CANCUN, MEXICO. 16:15 EST, TUESDAY 10 JAN.
Crypto ain’t offering easy riches at the minute, so you may as well try a more well-trodden path to getting minted while you wait.
It’s a hazardous path to be sure, but a harem of Instagram influencers and an affordable cocaine problem await he who writes this screenplay.
Title: TBD by readership
Plot summary:
Facing more flak than usual over ‘the whole JFK thing’, the CIA decide to doxx Satoshi to distract the public.
The op is simple enough. Satoshi’s identity has been an open secret in the intel community since the first bull run in BTC, and financial crime analysts from every alphabet agency you can think of have been asked to brief congress on the FTX debacle. A ‘slip of the tongue’ during a live video testimony is all it takes.
Though the gormless boomers in congress don’t notice, Twitter is alight with the revelation in minutes.
The rug pulled on his ID at last, the global manhunt for Satoshi begins. Rekt FTX users drown their sorrows in Google Maps co-ordinates, while ‘technologists’ claim that ChatGPT will find him if given the correct prompting. VCs and other pond-life claim to have known his identity the whole time.
When the horde of rabid tech journos finally swarm his location however, it’s too late for an interview. His humble hut by the Mississippi has been torn apart by gunfire. He is found sitting on the latrine of his outhouse, dead.
Satoshi appears to have had an extended gunfight against multiple assailants, before running out of ammunition and saving the last round in his 9mm pistol for himself.
Naturally, the FBI are called to deliver American justice. The Bureau’s finest, Handsome Corrupt Cop #789 (secretly rich after looting The Silk Road) and Diverse Empowered Sidekick #123 (always ready to speak her truth about problematic and non-inclusive behaviour) are sent in to investigate.
Inspecting the scene, the journos are lucky they arrived late. Satoshi’s hideout is protected by a variety of brutal traps, many of which have been set off by the assaulting force.
The corpses that can be identified are those of South African mercenaries, heavily armed and carrying ‘intel extraction’ apparatus. Those who survived have looted everything from Satoshis lair in the search for his keys.
The FBI duo are sent on a perilous globe-trotting adventure when the ballistics report comes in.
The bullet Satoshi used to kill himself has the word ‘HOGWASH’ engraved on it. Made of depleted uranium, the bullet has kept its shape after firing.
Three other matching rounds from his pistol are found in the walls of his hut, with the seemingly random words ‘PERCH’, ‘SCROLL’, and ‘BEING’ also emblazoned on them.
The pair have a revelation: Satoshi’s final 12-round clip of ammo contained his seed-phrase. The pair embark on a lethal treasure hunt for the mercenaries who have the remaining eight bullets embedded in their body armour - and bodies.
The adventure climaxes when the pair confront mercenary leader Commander Tholet at his compound in Harare. Following a classic Hollywood action sequence where the pair fight dozens of his henchmen with the help of US special forces, the ageing Rhodesian merc finally reveals who paid his company to loot Satoshi with his final breath…
I leave this final part of the plot to you. Was it a last ditch attempt by SBF to bail-out Alameda? A coterie of Bitcoin SV maxis trying to cover their losses? Or something else entirely? I leave it in your hands.
Post your ideas on the Blockstream satellite, send in an email to benbowinn@protonmail.ch, or if you’re lazy just respond on the Transmission Feed Telegram group.
In the meantime, I wish you all a fantastic New Year, and invite you to raise a glass with me to Satoshi when the clock chimes midnight.
Until next time,
Jim Hawkins
The Treasure Island Times
PS:
In order to gain funding for this film, Satoshi may need to be revealed as a transgender Guatemalan who was incarcerated by ICE during the Trump admin, and only released thanks to the personal intervention of an unwitting but compassionate Kamala Harris.