MIAMI, FLORIDA. 4 APRIL 2023, 02:47 EDT.
With the accession of Finland to NATO, the imminent stationing of Russian nukes in Belarus, and the US State Department telling all Americans to flee Russia, it’s time to start asking the big question.
Yes, dear reader - you know the one.
“How do I flex on my in-laws and every other poor bastard in the fallout shelter?”
Back in 2018, Putin showed a flashy CGI video of Russian hypersonic missiles nuking Florida, so my current circumstances have made answering this question a priority.
Picture the scene.
Hunkering down in the darkness of your shelter, listening alternately to radio static and the diesel generator churning in the background. Card games by candle-light. Your daughter’s annoying boyfriend (you never should have let him in) consoling her in a thinly disguised attempt to get laid.
Beef-jerky and cold baked beans to keep the hunger away. Potassium pills to stave off the white death.
No, really, my cold-wallets of BTC will make us aristocrats in the New World. Look beyond the mushroom clouds on the horizon - bitcoin is antifragile and nuclear-resistant. Seriously, I heard it on a Twitter Space. Saifedean Ammous was there. Listen, you wouldn’t understand- just empty the chemical toilets and go to bed.
As resources dwindle and daylight deficiency rot the brain, tempers grow brittle. Nerves strain.
It’s imperative you maintain your authority over your fellow shelter-mates - especially males - to prevent in-fighting and the collapse of your fragile patch of civilisation amidst the fields of ash. Remember: it’s for their own good. You were destined to do this, or whatever.
With that in mind, you must passively radiate (heh) your authority at every turn. And how better, than to flex on the competition with the only piece of jewellery straight anglo males can get away with?
After all, it’s the only time you can actually justify owning a watch. With batteries in short-supply and civilizational progress running in reverse, mechanical watches finally hold a practical purpose.
Billions may be dead, and civilization may be cancelled, but there’s still time to #bunkerflex.
Behold - five exquisite timepieces that’ll bring your nuke-chic wardrobe to critical mass…
1. Blancpain Fifty Fathoms, ‘No Radiations’ edition (reference: 5015B-1130-52)
About as ‘on the button’ as it gets for the oldest watchmaker in Switzerland. At 45mm in diameter, nobody is going to miss this as you strut about the fallout shelter doing absolutely nothing.
The ‘No-rad’ has a crossed-out radiation symbol on the dial (albeit in red and yellow rather than the traditional yellow and black), with the words NO RADIATIONS printed inside it.
Originally issued in the 1960s when Blancpain stopped using radioactive materials to make their dials glow in the dark, this modern re-release is a fitting accessory for bunker-dwellers of the managerial class.
PRO TIP: Use the dive bezel to time the underlings as they go about their chores. When someone starts slacking off, shove the watch in their face and get them to read the NO RADIATIONS print aloud. Then, verbatim:
“Right. That’s the message we’re trying to send in this shelter community. We don’t tolerate toxic attitudes, so if you don’t align with our values, you’re more than welcome to leave.”
2. Pobeda, RHBZ edition (reference: 2609)
To counter the conservative Swiss dial imagery (and high costs), let’s get the Russians involved. After all, it’s likely their plutonium you’ll be sheltering from.
Something of an antidote to the Blancpain, the dial also shows the radioactive symbol, but without a cross through it and in the colours you’d expect: yellow and black.
Manufactured in the USSR, this watch is dedicated to the RHBZ: the Soviet, and now Russian military unit tasked with Radiochemical, Biological, and Chemical defense.
Sheltering from Russian radiation with this on your wrist is especially ironic. When anyone questions your authority, say a member of the RHBZ warned you nuclear war would happen, and gave the watch as a gift upon completing a shelter-management course.
3. Panerai Radiomir, 3 Days Acciaio (reference: PAM00687)
A vintage-looking piece, with a dial designed to look like it has been discoloured due to continued radiation exposure. Perfect for the grizzled nuclear veteran that you aren’t.
Panerai have pulled-off two marketing miracles in the 21st century:
- Creating nostalgia for Mussolini’s military amongst politically correct Westerners.
- Creating nostalgia for the use of radium lume (a radioactive element that glows) in watches.
Panerai used radium to make their dive watches legible underwater during their hey-day in the 1930s-40s. Despite the horrific tale of the Radium Girls, Panerai have (somehow) managed to cultivate a yearning for this era with their Radiomir line.
With a 47mm case diameter, nobody can avoid this titanic timepiece. Channel Il Duce as you bring order to the proles: “Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy.”
4. Breitling Emergency II (reference: E76321)
The most practical watch on this list, the Emergency contains a satellite emergency beacon that should summon a rescue team to your location almost anywhere on earth (provided you paid the necessary bond when you purchased it).
Will the Thunderbirds still arrive after a nuclear apocalypse? Only one way to find out. But you’ll need to place the beacon at ground-level or higher for it to work, so make sure you don’t pull the short-straw.
At 51mm in diameter, this is also the largest watch on the list - noodle-wrists will have trouble exerting authority with this jangling around on their arm. If this is you, buy a grip strengthener to bulk up your forearms - you’ll need one to while away the hours in the bunker anyway.
PRO TIP: Buy a second-hand Emergency with the Omani khanjar crest on the dial. Claim the Sultan gave it to you as a token of his appreciation after you “did him a solid” (refuse to elaborate).
5. Jaeger Le-Coultre Polaris, Mariner Memovox edition (reference: Q903818J)
This watch comes last on the list for a reason: it’d be worn better by the man launching the nukes rather than the one sheltering from them. Think Trident submarine captain. Sean Con in ‘Hunt for the Red October’. Barron Trump. Joe Biden when someone stirs his pill-soup the wrong way.
Jaeger claim this watch is named after the North Star, but they ‘launched’ it in the middle of the Cold War (1968) when Polaris nuclear missiles had been in the field for seven years already. Either they wanted to beat Lockheed Martin on the marketing front (lol), or it was a covert appeal to armchair generals.
At 42mm, this is the second-smallest watch on the list after the Pobeda, but the in-built alarm will make this stand out the most. Set it to chime at arbitrary times throughout the day. When it does, look down at your wrist, shake your head, and say “you need to be faster than this” at whoever is working nearby.
On the rare occasion when you have to do any work, excuse yourself from doing it as soon as the alarm rings. “I need to check our inventory/the geiger readings/the water acidity, I’ll be a while. Can I trust you to handle this?”
Until next time,
Jim Hawkins
The Treasure Island Times