SUMMIT, NEW JERSEY. 4 APRIL 2025, 14:36 EDT.
How much land do you own there partner?
Just gimme a ballpark figure. Total plot size. Say fifty… maybe a hunnit acres?
Yeah - you look like you could be a hunnit acre man. Maybe even two.
What was that? Wait… you don’t own ANY?
I see. You spent your mortgage deposit on a Rolex Air-King… after an Instagrammer told you it was ‘better than crypto’ during Covid. Huh.
Nah that’s ok. I hear that a lot actually.
Well hey - I got some good news for you, friend. And I’m honoured to be the one to tell ya…
Our Commander in Chief? In the Whitehouse? He’s got a masterplan, see - for all of us.
Everybody hatin’ on America is in for a helluva rough century…
Because the USA? It’s getting BIGGER, baby.
There’s gonna be whole new territories - whole new states! New national parks, ranches, condos, strip malls…
And with just a little initiative… you can claim a stake in the New America. For yourself and your family. Your dynasty.
“Go West, young man…” And North! And South! And East! The wilderness must be tamed. And Delta’s gonna fly you there on a discount.
We’re gonna add so much land to our country in the next few years… that you won’t even need to pay for it. It’s our birthright: Manifest embassy, or whatever.
Anyway, here’s the brochure. Let me know if you want to swap that Air-King for something more… appropriate.
THE SAILOR OF PANAMA
AMERICAN RECONQUISTA
“I see no canal.”
- Pioneer: Maritime Saboteur, designation ‘Captain Titanic’
- Watch: Rolex Submariner, Panama Canal Dial
- Reference: 16610
- RRP: Discontinued, probably attainable at <$50k
There’s something deeply cathartic about running a ship aground.
The shudder as the impact ripples through the keel. The groaning of the hull as it scrapes upon the shore. The shocked faces of onlookers, mouths agape.
It’s almost sexually gratifying. Hell, it is sexually gratifying. No other type of vandalism comes close.
You were 14 the first time you did it. Your arch-rival in prep-school ($100k annual tuition btw) had left his dad’s picnic boat unattended at their lakehouse.
A few minutes (and acts of courage) later, and you were racing it out of the water, across their pier and halfway through their living room window. Life was never the same after that. You’d found your calling.
So when The Agency suggested you ‘follow your passion’ full-time after college, you could hardly believe your luck.
Drilling holes in the Chinese fishing fleet, cutting rudders on Iranian tankers… it’s been a pirate’s life for you ever since.
It’s not all been rum and sea shanties of course. You lost an eye in a tavern brawl in Mogadishu, and are wanted for polygamy in most countries that have a coast.
But all the hardships of a life at sea were forgiven in March 2021 - or more precisely, Ever Given…
It was never quite clear who was in charge during the ‘Biden’ administration. You were informed by a committee of ‘stakeholders’ that ‘a diverse array of American voices’ needed a scapegoat to blame inflation on, and had concluded that the most ‘equitable’ one available was a traffic jam in the Suez Canal.
Naturally, your name had come up.
In short order you were ‘accidentally’ ramming a 200,000 tonne container ship into the banks of the narrow strait (“Is this way starboard? I’m dyslexic”), plugging it shut for nearly a week.
What a rush. 400 ships adrift. $60 billion in losses to international trade. A global news item for the Covid-imprisoned masses. The harbour master looked like he’d soiled himself; walked like it too. You were still laughing days after they dragged the sorry ship out of there (from the safety of the embassy in Cairo of course).
You’d thought that was the crest of your humble career. That life couldn’t get any better…
As you gaze ahead at the Panama Canal from the bridge of the supertanker ploughing forth at full speed you count your blessings: What did you do to deserve a life of such mischief?
You hold up your Rolex Submariner to the sun for an Instagram shot (the ladies are gonna love this one). Part of your cover, it’s one of 150 individually numbered Submariners (75 in steel, 75 two-tone) issued to celebrate America’s gift of the canal to Panama on New Year’s ‘99.
When you’re detained for capsizing the vessel in the canal and flooding it with crude oil, your ownership of the watch will hopefully add authenticity to your claims that you love Panama (you have a wife here after all) and made an honest mistake ‘fumbling a handbrake turn’.
Given how angry they’re gonna be, you’ll need every bit of help you can get. Your trusty Rorbaugh 9mm remains snug in its hidden holster as a contingency, but if all goes to plan the US Marine Corps (who just so happen to be performing exercises in the region) will be on scene to retake the canal ‘see how they can help’ before things get too tight.
Declaring ‘WMD’ (Woke Monroe Doctrine), the Whitehouse will furnish its environmental credentials by forcibly repurchasing the canal - in the interest of preventing further ecological disasters, of course.
You’ve been informed by procurement at The Agency that another series of Rolex Submariners with limited edition dials will be issued to celebrate America taking the canal back. You don’t know what will be on the dial, but you’ve been assured you have an allocation.
“Anything, for the Sailor of Panama.”
THE NORTHERN FRONT
SETTLING THE 51st STATE
“Manifest destiny… the bald eagle will clothe its brow with a crown of maple… time is a flat circle.”
- Pioneer: Montanan Mountie-Hunter
- Watch: Marathon Jumbo Search And Rescue, Red Maple edition
- Reference: WW194018SS-0406
- RRP: $1,800
Given how enthusiastic Canadians have become about killing themselves ‘Medical Assistance in Dying’, don’t be surprised when yankees talented in providing such ‘assistance’ start jumping the border to lend them a hand.
US military veterans are heavily overrepresented in states which border Canada. Alaska to the West, Montana to the South and Maine to the East form a pincer movement of brewing GWOT PTSD that could boil over into ‘Snow Mexico’ at any point.
Having lost his marriage to Operation Enduring Freedom, his faith in the US government to Operation Inherent Resolve, and his sanity to QAnon, the Montanan Mountie-Hunter has little to lose and a 51st state to gain.
After Iraq he vowed he wouldn’t be fooled again. But then a hot blonde MAGA patriot on Rumble said Canadians would greet him as a liberator if he waged a campaign of guerrilla warfare against the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. To free them from the grips of Communist Carney, of course.
With Justin Castreau out, Cuba’s puppet government in Ottawa is on its last legs, she proclaimed through the screen of his UnPlugged™ smartphone.
“We only have to kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will come crashing down!” she said, icy blue eyes flashing, her usual Texan accent sounding strangely Russian for a second.
He barely noticed. He was already loading his Remington .300 and grabbing the INCH (I’m Never Coming Home) survival bag he’d spent an entire election cycle building.
Living in accordance with the traditional Montanan principle of ‘living off the land’ the Mountie-Hunter doesn’t believe in paying for things when you can earn them through hard work.
Sure, you could blow a couple thousand bucks on a new watch. Or you could find the ideal ambush spot overlooking a Tim Hortons, work hard, and furnish yourself with the scalps fruits of your labour once the smoke has cleared.
The Mounties work hard for government issued kit like this Jumbo Search And Rescue watch from Marathon - so should you.
With drilled lugs, double-screwed links and 300M of water-resistance, the JSAR is as tough as you’ll need to be to conquer the 51st state and bring Alaska home to the mainland USA.
While the Maple symbol will be outlawed as ‘un-American’ in all states and territories following your victory, you can be confident that Marathon (an official supplier to the US government) will offer you a sanitized replacement dial at no cost.
THE HOLY(IN-ONE) LAND
TEEING OFF IN THE ARAB RIVIERA
“This is my Mar-a-Gaza… my Gaz-a-Lago… my MAGAzestine…”
- Pioneer: Dark MAGAzan Pathfinder
- Watch: Hamilton Ventura, Dune Edition
- Reference: H24624330
- RRP: $1,200
A dark shape stalks the blistering sands of the Levant.
His frame is enormous; his gait grim.
There are few things worse than being alone in the desert. But one of them is being alone in his company.
Placed in a coma and submerged in a tank of methylene blue for six months by order of RFK Junior himself, the Dark MAGAzan’s eyes now burn brighter than the dial on his bizarre quartz timepiece from Hamilton.
RFK was not the only one with plans for him. After confiscating all testosterone supplements from trans personnel in the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Hegseth ordered that they be directed into the the comatose MAGAzan via drip. He has become a hormonal bio-weapon; should he ever die, his corpse will transition the country that kills him.
His back is hunched, nearly buckling under the weight of past and upcoming war crimes. That, and from lugging an ultra-high capacity Sun Mountain™ golf caddy hundreds of miles across the arid wasteland.
His only animating force is to manifest the will of DJT. And one other thing.
‘Clean out the strip’, m’Lord Trump? It shall be so. I have but one request, sire…
Can I get a lifetime membership for the new course? And a property set back from the fairway of a signature hole on the back nine; elevated enough for a panoramic view, but shielded from direct ball fire by trees and/or landscaping. Maybe even with a view of a water hazard or - if possible - an especially scenic green. Close enough to feel the rhythm of the course (of course), but far enough away for some privacy and quiet. And positioned so the view from the porch is framed naturally, not forced — ideally capturing long sightlines down the fairway, with the pin visible in the distance. Morning light would be a bonus, but if the property can catch the golden hour across the course, even better. Ideally it sits past the 280-yard mark on a par five, where you can judge the line players take off the tee, and track who lays up and who goes for it in two. A spot where you could read greens from your veranda and know, instinctively, whether someone’s about to miss low si-
Until next time,
Jim Hawkins
The Treasure Island Times